By Diane Babalas, DC
The weeks and months after my first child was born were some of the most difficult I have ever experienced. I was depleted from blood loss, and it felt like all the nutrients in my bones and muscles were being concentrated into the growing baby and breastmilk. For the first few days, my husband carried me down the stairs. He changed every diaper for the first month. However, the sleep deprivation, the intense emotional changes, and continual nutritional depletion converged to bring me to a point of stress in my system I was unprepared for and had little facility to manage. Adding to it, my beloved grandmother was very sick and dying. My parents and extended family lived in New England, and we didn’t have as much support as we needed here in Ann Arbor. Needless to say, the strain played out in many ways in my closest relationships. I remember one day my husband lovingly suggesting I think about getting some help and I frantically yelled back, “I don’t need any help!”
Why is it so hard to admit when we need help? Why is it even harder to ask for it? I learned from author and social work researcher, Brene Brown, that vulnerability is the thing we most want to see from others and the thing we least want to feel ourselves. Asking for help can bring up feelings of inadequacy, shame, or failure. As a chiropractor I have worked with many people over the years who have waited a very long time to ask for help with pain, physical disability, or an emotional burden. Without a doubt, it is easier to help someone resolve any situation as soon as they are aware of the problem, or imbalance, as opposed to months or years later. And yet, people have to be ready to receive help. Have you ever tried giving someone advice that they just weren’t ready to hear?
Knowing when (and who) to ask for help and how to have compassion for ourselves are crucial steps to our growth, wholeness, and happiness. When I was getting ready to have our second child two and half years later, I hired a post-partum doula to help me in the weeks following our son’s birth. I had learned from the past that I would need help with managing my own needs along with a toddler and newborn. I was so appreciative for the help our doula gave: cooking meals, doing laundry, letting me sleep or take a walk by myself. Gratefully, I had been able to learn what I would need and not judge myself negatively for needing it.
As humans, we seem to universally value independence and a sense of control. When circumstances get intense, we may encounter a kind of identity crisis when we finally face that we need help. Being a good problem solver and feeling competent are qualities I highly value. When the circumstances in my life made me feel incompetent, and I was faced with problems I couldn’t see any solutions to, I felt stuck and in despair. What I’ve learned is it takes self-compassion but also grit and discipline to be able to get enough clarity to see the uncomfortable parts of one’s self and then find a solution. When we can identify with more than just a small, constricted feeling we’re having, we can see things in a more complete context. For example, the thought, “I’m totally exhausted, but I don’t have time to rest” can be seen next to the realization of how much time we spend worrying, replying to an email, or scrolling through social media. A deep breath and dose of self-compassion can illuminate the many pockets of time that could be used to feed your body’s needs.
It’s been said before, when we are in the vice grip of fearful and limited feelings, it helps to breathe. We need to have the discipline to come back to the breath, soften, and create a bit of space to widen our perspective. But, we need grit in this space, too, so we can see the uncomfortable parts of ourselves, show ourselves kindness and even humor, and act from this place. With meditation and other practices and a great partner, I’m still growing on my own and getting better at accepting the specific areas where I might need help and still feel grounded in a bigger sense of knowing who I am.
My day-to-day experiences as a chiropractor have revealed that people sometimes view symptoms in their bodies as failures. I think it’s powerful to remember for ourselves, and to teach our children, that getting support for our bodies and minds is a normal and healthy thing to do. Something does not have to be broken beyond repair and horribly painful in order to benefit from healing expertise, compassion, and wisdom. Knowing that it’s normal to struggle with feeling vulnerable is in itself helpful. Counterintuitively, when we can own the knowledge that we need help, we can actually begin to feel more powerful and in control of the situation. Feeling heard and seen by another person is often potent medicine. In my chiropractic training, I was taught that the chiropractic adjustment is a two-way relationship. The person on the table is vulnerably bringing themselves. The doctor is receiving the person’s story both through his or her words and in the language of the tissues, fibers, and tones of the body itself. The chiropractor’s ability to deeply listen to the body and support it through touch allows the person on the table to access their own innate healing. I often say “thank you” during the adjustment process in my practice. This is because I know it is hard to lie there and be vulnerable, feel something uncomfortable, and still soften with it. I invite you right now to be vulnerable and soften inside. Thank you.
Diane Babalas, DC has been healing Ann Arborites since 2000. You can learn more about Diane Babalas on her website, Gatewaychiropracticbgi.com. Read the feature on Dr. Babalas in Issue #63 by visiting https://bit.ly/3AdWJm3. Her office is located at 210 Collingwood Road, Suite 100. Call (734) 239-6060 for an appointment.
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