Helping Our Children in Distress

By Sheri Stankorb-Geiselman

One of the hardest things parents experience is seeing our children in distress. We want so much to take away the hurt! And now more than ever, with all the turbulence in our world, we are seeing our kids with big upsets. Whether it’s the economic impact of the pandemic, grieving the loss of a loved one, missing classmates, activities curtailed, or not understanding why parents are home so much more, but are available so much less, our kids are experiencing a trying time.

And what myriad ways kids show us their upsets! Tears, low frustration tolerance, unreasonable demands, unworkable behavior, aggression, and even tantrums (at any age). This challenge parents face—seeing our children in distress—is so hard that we often find ourselves in the moment reaching for ways to make it stop. We leap in to soothe, to fix, to solve. We fret about what it means to see our child’s intense feelings, and we try so very hard to get them to use words. In our tightest moments, we send them away (“Go to your room this instant!”). And if we were raised in an environment where emotions made grown-ups uncomfortable, we may hear old voices in our head (“I’ll give you something to cry about!”).

But what if it was all so much simpler than that? What if, in the moment, you and your child actually had everything you needed to heal their hurt? Parents have a lightbulb moment when they realize that there is actually very little that needs to be done when their child or teen is navigating an emotional storm. I say “very little” because it’s not nothing. It’s not sending them to their room to fight the emotional battle on their own. In fact, it’s drawing closer and offering connection that will allow them to metabolize their emotions so they can think again.

In a recent article for The Crazy Wisdom Community Journal titled Focus on Connection, I touched on some Hand in Hand Parenting tools to help parents connect with their children. Straightforward tools that can make family life flow more smoothly—even during a pandemic. Especially during a pandemic!

One of these tools is called Staylistening. In a nutshell, it means listening to your child’s upset all the way through. When a child’s behavior is off-track, they are sending a signal that they need our help. But why the heck can’t they just calmly tell us what’s wrong, and talk about their feelings? How about saying—Mom, I miss my friends, and when I see them on Zoom it reminds me of that? If only! More often it comes at us straight out of left field—pow! We wonder what hit us—sometimes literally!

When a child or teen is feeling disconnected, they cannot think. The limbic system is a part of the brain that, when it’s unsettled or disconnected, interrupts the ability of the prefrontal cortex (the “thinking” part of the brain) to function optimally. In reverse, when the limbic system perceives that they are safe and all is well, the prefrontal cortex can be fully online, and the child can think, focus, better control their impulses, cooperate, and have a more generous view of themselves and others.

So, what does this mean in a real-life situation? One dad described listening to his nine-year old son’s strong feelings in a way that, in the past, would likely have ended up quite differently—with dad missing his son’s cues, getting frustrated himself, yelling, sending him to his room, and neither one feeling good about any of it.

What happened was this. They were waiting to hear the plan for the boy’s soccer team during the upcoming season. The coach had sent an email about various possibilities for the months ahead, and as dad read it through with his son, the boy became more and more agitated until finally he shouted, “Stop it! Stop reading it! It doesn’t make sense!”

This dad had been learning about how to offer connection in such moments to help a child shed the feelings that keep them stuck. So, when his son ran up to his bedroom and slammed the door, instead of letting him go off by himself, or chiding him about he didn’t appreciate being yelled at when he was just trying to help, he gently knocked on the door, cracked it open, and could see his son with his face buried in the pillow, half-crying, half-screaming. As he slowly entered the room the boy shouted, “Go away!” but dad knew that his presence could help his son release the tension that was keeping him stuck. So, he stood there and breathed. He let his face soften (even though he knew his son couldn’t see him because he was still turned away), and let himself feel the confidence that his warm presence was enough. What a relief! He didn’t need to do anything except offer his attention, and his trust that what his son was doing was actually really smart. He took a few steps toward his son, and slowly sat down as his son writhed and cried some more. His son even had a few choice words for him, but he was able to simply listen without getting distracted by the content of his offloading. “For once it didn’t feel like something I needed to correct or control. It used to feel like I was letting him get away with something, that I needed to teach him that it wasn’t okay to say those things, no matter how mad he was. This time, I was actually able to just hear it for what it was—him dumping the frustration and disappointment he had about soccer being so different this year.”

After a few minutes, he could see his son calming down. This dad and his partner had spent so much time trying to teach their son how to take deep breaths when upset, and it was amazing to see that his little body knew how to calm down all along! It just needed dad to warmly listen all the way through. Once the storm cleared, he suddenly leapt up, gave his dad the tightest hug, and asked a question about the coach’s email. Dad wondered if this was going to touch off another big wave of feelings, but he found that he wasn’t worried that it might. He answered his son’s question, and his son, whose brain earlier could not process the information because his prefrontal cortex was offline, said, “I get it.” Then with a huge smile on his face he asked what was for dinner, and if they could kick the soccer ball around later.

Once you see the offloading of big feelings as—not the hurt itself, but instead the healing of the hurt—your work as a parent becomes much simpler. Much simpler, but at times not so easy, because what happens when your child goes nuclear with her emotions…and you’re ready to join her there? The key is staying reasonably calm yourself while Staylistening. Next time I’ll write about Listening Partnerships, the tool that helps parents do just that.

Hand in Hand Parenting, based in Palo Alto, California, has been supporting parents around the world for over thirty years. To learn more about Staylistening and other parenting tools, check out the book Listen, or go to handinhandparenting.org for resources (many free or low-cost) including articles, podcasts, videos, online courses, consultants, Parent Club, and more.

Sheri Stankorb-Geiselman, LMSW is a therapist in Ann Arbor who works with people and families throughout the life span. She can be reached at geiselmanpsychotherapy@gmail.com.

Having a Bodymind Coach Changed the Trajectory of My Life

By Julie Kouyate

I was struggling. I mean, here I was, a totally spiritual woman, a successful massage therapist,  West afrcian dance instructor, home birthing mamma, and a WIFE! I had all the ingredients that would have many believe I was fulfilled, completely. I can't agree more that I was doing well and grateful for all that I had come to know about healing, living a natural and spiritual life, taking risks, and coming out okay. But, under all of that amazing goodness, I was still somewhat unsatisfied. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but there was something more, something missing.

 What was it? Well, for starters. I never went anywhere on my days off without my five babies I spent years lugging them around, fighting, crying, and all. I really thought they would miss me too much, and then the GUILT would set in. I am a woman, after all. I’m here to serve and nurture without fail. But in every single moment?

My husband and I never spent a night away from them. They breastfed and slept in our bed till the next one arrived and even then we would do double duty. My work was also a place that required me to serve, my dance classes needed to be managed—I needed to support dancers to be able to feel comfortable and safe enough to try something new.

I was burned out on life.

 Then I followed the call in my heart. I took action and landed in a program that I thought was going to give me a new way to work with clients. What I found was the total opposite. I FOUND MY WAY BACK HOME, a way back to my truest and highest passions.

 Bodymind coaching is what I found and it's a journey into a deeper healing, a deeper conversation that gets really REAL with reality and how a person is living their life versus how they dream it to be. It's not about “things” that you want (but the bodymind process can be about that), it's more about the way you desire to feel each day and how to go about amplifying the energy you want to live in.

Bodymind coaching is totally unique as its developed for lightworkers and healers who already have a deep wisdom with working with people’s bodies and their mindset in relation to emotions and dis-ease. But I got served!

Touch, along with a brand new awareness, is how it all began. I was being coached around some of my blocks and some of my deeper passions left forgotten and laying dormant within me.  I felt a renewed sense of purpose, and a direct route to achieve it. Best part is that this all came from ME! A great coach only guides and facilitates as you come into your own AH-Ha moments that are totally pivotal for growth. If we aren't growing and evolving then we are stuck, truly.

I am fully alive after bodymind coaching and it has brought many new things into my life. I task without pushing, tuning into my body to ask, “What is the one most important thing that must be done today?” Not 15 things done mindlessly, but one or two most important tasks. Then I ask, “What do I want to do today?” and “Which task feels best to do right now?” This is pure feminine flow, and it’s the intuitive approach to life. Since having a coach of my own, I now have done countless things that I would never have begun on my own before. These things were a distant reality. A dream.

1. I finally took weekends off for the first time in 16 years. I always said I wanted to and “should,” but never did.

2.  I left my children many times for fun and pleasurable things, and they were all okay.

3. I choose daily self love (care). I take naps, I leave those dishes, skip some of those soccer games, buy those massages, create as a regular part of my day, regularly make time with my sister friends. I prioritize myself for the first time ever, and I’m nicer, and I am encouraged to continue.

4. I take singing lessons. All my kiddos had lessons for over ten years. I said I'd love to do that someday for myself. I’m doing it now!

5.   I’ve learned that spiritual work is key, and I continue to learn, grow, journal, and receive coaching for myself.

6. I RUN GODDESS RETREATS! I'm finally utilizing all my healing gifts. I feel the fear of all the things that go along with following your passion even when I can't “make sense” of it. (more feminine flow)

7. My coaching clients lives are being transformed in huge ways with my programs that take them through a unique healing process that is designed to transform.

8. I am scheduling breaks on my workdays. It used to be self-imposed (unconsciously) to work straight through (if I’m not working hard I’m not worthy mindset) and now poof! DONE with that!

9. My life is at the highest, healthiest place I have ever known and it could never have been done without the help of a coach to bring some of the programming of the “day on repeat” cycles we subscribe to unconsciously.

We are actually addicted to the chemical release that we create as we assign “a meaning” to an  emotion that results from  a specific event (the negative thought loop that makes a body respond (i.e stress response) and the release of depressive drugs in the spinal column like dopamine). The body has to come back into the conversation. When we connect to our truest source, our body's wisdom, then we can feel our way forward. I was asked a very important question that was so simple and yet so profound. Julie, what do you want to feel each day and how can you amplify this? The power lies within us to go from what we think we should be doing and being totally disconnected from that, to what we know in our bodies as the guidance to live a life on purpose. Coaching has given me the freedom to live in the now more than ever before and this is the only reason we are here, to connect and to be in the now. Enjoyment of life and not living with just the end result in mind is the key. Now, I know that this is not only a great idea, it is attainable!

 
Julie Kouyate is a Bodymind coach and LMT. She has been in the alternative healing and wellness industry for over 20 years, but coaching is now her preferred way to work with clients because of the way we can change our patterns to have a lasting change that leads to a more connected life that is less restricted in a holistic way…. Body, mind, and spirit! .  Learn more about her offerings, including the BodyMind coaching program, at www.kouyatehealingarts.com, or call (734) 330-7903. 

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