Though Boo wasn’t my “real” grandfather I could not miss the realness of his final days. Despite the sticky doorknob, the smell of last week’s lunch, dead flowers, and the junk pile obstacle course, I made my way to his bedside. The clutter used to spark an uncomfortable itch throughout my body, but I’d accepted it. His 98-year-old body was tired, but his spirit was very much alive as he pondered the end.
Posts filed under Death and Dying
Green Burial: From Stardust to Soil
On a cloudy afternoon this past winter, as we stood in the muted, gray light of our kitchen, I said to my wife, “When I die, just put me in the ground, maybe wrapped in a shroud—or in a pine box, or something like that—and let nature do its thing.”
Now That Was a Great Funeral
Lisa’s funeral was three years, almost to the day, from when she was first diagnosed with stage four colon cancer on March 17, 2020. She was my friend, my colleague, a woman I admired, respected, loved. From the day she was diagnosed, she wrote daily in her Caring Bridge online journal. Throughout the pandemic, her chemo, and the unmentionable discomfort she endured, Lisa wrote. She told us the ugly truth of her experience and the beautiful hope and moments of joy that met her on her journey through life to death.
All Creatures Great and Small: In-Home Euthanasia and Hospice-Assisted Natural Death For Your Pets
The bond we share with our pets is one the strongest bonds we will ever experience. Their devotion to us, as well as their non-judgmental, unconditional love, leaves an indelible mark on our hearts which is why saying goodbye is so hard. As a Certified Hospice and Palliative Care Veterinarian, the most common question I am asked is, “When will I know it is time to say goodbye?” What many families do not realize is that choosing where and how to say goodbye can be just as important.
Out of My Comfort Zone: The Paradox of Dying
I will never forget the moment when I walked into the hospice home for the first time to see my dad. A palliative care doctor recommended hospice care the day before and he was transferred to this hospice home from a rehabilitation facility. I had been his primary caretaker throughout his rapid decline—navigating the hospital scene, confronting doctors, and aggressively advocating for his care. This situation was without a doubt my comfort zone—having concrete things to fix and fixing them. I was confident in my abilities, and due to an extensive history of trauma, seemingly thrived in the chaos and intensity of the situation.
Looking at Death, Finding the Heart
This is a falling-down life. It changes, we change, everything changes! Worst of all, we have almost no control over how our life unfolds on a day-by-day basis, and so it becomes essential to learn how to deal with the basic facts of impermanence and no control without resorting to a kind of indifferent resignation. It’s not so easy, is it?
Covid, Death, and Living in Flow
I just got off the phone with my mom and sisters discussing funeral arrangements for my father. He has COVID and he is dying. For the last days, we have been having zoom calls for several hours with him by the grace and compassion of the Canadian field hospital staff who make an iPad available for us each day. We sing, we read poems, meditations, and prayers, and share everything from our heart that we want him to hear. He is not responding and he is breathing the way dying people do: with big gaps of not breathing followed by a few shallow breaths in a row. We know however, that dying people hear everything being said to them so we don’t shy away from giving him our song and deep communication.
Singing on the Threshold
In the twilight hours of early evening, three women gather around a bedside. Their voices are gentle and soothing; their lyrics and harmonies weave a spell. The lines on the face of the man in the bed smooth out a bit; the family members in the room visibly relax. This is the magic created by Threshold Singers of Ann Arbor, and Threshold Choirs in more than two hundred locations around the world. The Threshold Choirs sing to people in the midst of a transformative life event: most often dying, but also recovering from illness or surgery, going through difficult emotional times, or being in chronic pain. They sing in hospitals and hospices, at nursing homes, in private homes, and once in a while, for the general public.
End of Life Doulas Aren't Afraid to Talk About Death
I am so blessed to be able to talk to people who are grappling with death. Mostly, I speak with the caregivers. They reach out to me because they feel like there is no one else to talk to. I am there. I listen. I understand. I hear them out and empathize and honor them. It is difficult being a caregiver; it can feel so lonely, especially when you just want to talk. I recently heard a quote from Cheryl Richardson, “People start to heal the moment they feel heard”. Perhaps that is the biggest role of the end-of-life doula – to hear. In a world that prefers to deny death, when death IS happening, we want to be heard.
