“I don’t really like myself,” my teen blurted out in the middle of a seemingly mundane conversation we were having last week. He tightened his lips to hold back emotion. I paused, as I noticed my jaws clench. Surprised by what he declared, I felt my eyes stinging as salty tears began to trickle into my eyes. My heart felt heavy, longing to simply scoop him up into my lap like I did when he was young, soothing him with kisses on his soft forehead.
Posts tagged #parenting
The Symphony of Development: Exploring the Importance of Music in a Baby’s Growth
In the delicate journey of a baby’s life, music weaves a melody that resonates far beyond the nursery walls. The impact of music on a baby’s development encompasses cognitive, emotional, social, and physical domains. Incorporating music into a baby’s early experiences is not just a source of joy but a powerful catalyst for holistic development.
Babywearing 101: A Crash Course in Safety, Comfort, and Ease
The world is constantly being blessed with the arrival of new little ones, and statistically speaking, you have or will become the parent, grandparent, aunt, or uncle of a brand-new baby. Emerging into a world full of new sights, sounds, and sensations, many babies feel overwhelmed by the number of stimuli they are exposed to and never want to leave their caretaker’s side. Congratulations. This is a perfectly normal baby! Human beings are classified as carry mammals, much like monkeys, and we are designed to have our babies close to us at all times—hence the velcro baby situation many caretakers find themselves in. Unlike monkeys however, our babies do not emerge from the womb with the necessary skills to effortlessly hang onto us, leading many to be confused as to what to do with a baby that never wants to be put down.
Motherhood as a ReVillaging Rite of Passage
Almost four years into my personal journey into motherhood, I have learned that some of my challenges are wildly common. Near-constant sensory and logistical overwhelm, deconstructing of (well-intended) pre-baby idealism, hard-to-communicate grief and resentments, and the occasional dose of blinding hot rage or anxiety. My journey has also been, however, a powerful invitation to a rite of passage through and beyond what author Beth Berry calls “Motherwhelm.”
Conscious Parenting: Harnessing the Power of Talking Out Loud — The Teddy Bear and the Talker
Imagine your child is trying to figure something out, like what to do for the summer. As your child talks to you, what kinds of questions do you feel drawn to ask? Do the questions have more to do with supporting your child in exploring the parts of the conversation your child wants to explore, or more to do with your own concerns? What could enable your child to get the benefit of having plenty of room to talk out loud and to take the conversation wherever your child wants to go with it?
Book Review: I'll Show Myself Out by Jessi Klein
In a world awash with bad news and the relentless cascade of life’s endless absurdities, Jessi Klein emerges as a comedic voice of reason, a beacon of humor and humanity amidst the chaos. Her eagerly anticipated second essay collection, I’ll Show Myself Out: Essays on Midlife & Motherhood takes readers on a riotous journey through the tangled web of motherhood, midlife, and the quirkiness of modern existence.
Quietly Noticing
I stood about twenty feet away from my two-year-old waiting to push her on a swing or do a count down while she hyped herself up to glide down a slide. I had just gotten done with a three-mile run with her in a stroller at the loop at Hudson Mills. The only way we get through these runs is a lot of snacks and the promise of playground time, and I was ready for the playground time. To me, playground time is a time that I don’t have to keep my brain on high alert. Rinoa would play and I would catch my breath and not have to figure out how to run, push, grab, and unwrap a snack all at once as I had been doing for thirty minutes prior.
Random Acts of Kindness: The Things Women Still Can’t Talk About And Why We Sometimes Have to Invite Ourselves In
I am fortunate to live on a street that’s close to downtown, where I can sit on my front porch and, for three seasons of the year, anyway, I can hail all my neighbors as they pass by. I can get to know their names and their dogs’ names, too. I see the same pairs of women walking or running together and talking.
Out of My Comfort Zone: Being a Parent to a Parent
I couldn’t find her anywhere. I went to all the places where she could be, asked store clerks, drove by frequented bus stops and walking patterns, and then went back to her apartment. In her bedroom I found her mobile phone, apartment keys, and her ID. I was uncomfortable and a bit in a panic. How long should I wait before I call the police? My brain said “long enough.” I made the call.
Conscious Parenting: Mindfulness Tips Teens Wish Parents Knew
By Natalie Freeburn
As a high school mindfulness teacher, I enjoy guiding, practicing, and applying mindfulness techniques along with my students. Seeing them learn about themselves as they grow their mindfulness practice teaches me about them daily. Every year, however, my students tell me I should teach a mindfulness class for parents and guardians, too. So, I’ve asked them, what have you learned in this class that you would most like them to know? If adults can practice tuning inward and grounding themselves when they are faced with challenging situations or strong emotions, it becomes easier for us to teach our children to do the same.
Navigating Emotions
As human beings, we all experience a full range of emotions, but identifying how we feel at any given moment can be easier said than done. Of course, it’s easier to allow ourselves the space to feel emotions that are pleasant or acceptable to societal norms. What happens, though, when we’re feeling unpleasant emotions such as anger, sadness, anxiety, or boredom? When we don’t allow ourselves to feel what we feel, it can have many unintended consequences. Avoiding unpleasant feelings with cover-up behaviors is not uncommon. It can be hard to turn inward and admit what we are actually feeling and understand what those feelings are trying to tell us. Many people avoid uncomfortable feelings with distracting behaviors or negative choices. Oftentimes, people act as though they are angry, but when they look deeper, they may find they are feeling ashamed, disrespected, embarrassed, or hurt. Anger is more accessible and acceptable, especially for many boys who are told to “man up” or “don’t be a baby.” We need to be allowed to acknowledge the deeper, more vulnerable emotions. All feelings are normal, human, and okay to feel, however uncomfortable they may be. It can be helpful to think of our feelings as clouds—ever-changing, and some more pleasant than others. Some linger for a long time like the gray of a winter day; some come and go like a passing storm; some are beautifully full of color. When we are feeling unpleasant emotions, remember that eventually, like the clouds, it won’t always be this way. This can be helpful to remember when we feel stuck in an unpleasant emotion like anxiety or boredom—but leaning in to acknowledge the emotion is the first step in loosening its grip.
Accept and Allow All Feelings
One great way to utilize mindfulness is to recognize one’s emotions in order to deal with them, which is a practice Dr. Daniel Siegal calls, “Name it to Tame it.” Consider our feelings like a very excited toddler who has something important to tell you. The sweet child won’t stop begging for attention until what they are trying to say is repeated out loud. Once they are acknowledged, they feel heard, and they move on. Likewise, when we avoid acknowledging an unpleasant feeling, it tends to linger on until confronted. What we resist, persists. Therefore, model being vulnerable with your feelings around your kids. Talk about how you’re feeling, especially when you are feeling unpleasant. This act of vulnerability is not a sign of weakness but demonstrates your humanity to your kids, and it opens the doors for them to be open and vulnerable with you as well. Children and teens often hold difficult feelings inside all day when they are away from home. For many, home is often their safe space where they feel they can be themselves and still be accepted, because of this they often let it all out on the family or trusted loved ones. While this is hard and often creates tension at home, kids do this because they feel safe. As their parent, we should stay grounded, allow for some space, and then get curious about what’s really going on. Try staying calm and open, centered, taking a moment to pause before proceeding.
Power of the Pause
People typically act how they feel to some extent. When people feel right, they act right. However, when the emotions are less positive, having a personal meditation practice can help parents center themselves and avoid reacting rather than responding. Allowing time to pause when feeling annoyed, angry, or frustrated to think about how to respond rather than react out of strong emotion takes time and practice. Although hitting the pause button is difficult, kids are asked to do it all of the time. So, model this, “I’m so frustrated with your behavior right now. I need some time to cool off and then we’ll come back to it.” Or if you see your teen getting revved up, offer them time to step away for a moment. This lets our thinking brain and feelings brain reconnect; otherwise, we end up saying things that don’t work toward discovering the root of the problem.
Read related article:Where the Rubber Meets the Road: Strategies for the Emotional Challenges of Parenting — Helping Children Adjust to a New Sibling
Listen With Compassion and Without Judgment
Growing up is hard. Our teens face immense amounts of pressure to “succeed” in all areas of their lives. This pressure doesn’t only come from external sources like parents, teachers, coaches, and the media, but they are constantly comparing themselves to each other and putting additional pressure on themselves. All this while trying to figure out who they are, what they stand for, and where they fit in. It can feel hard and messy at times. From teaching, I have learned not to assume I know what’s going on in the lives of my students. Kids and teens can be very open and honest when they are given the space to say what’s on their minds without the fear of being judged or ridiculed. Try asking questions about how something might pan out to get them thinking of things they may not consider instead of judging them or offering advice. This helps them process and come to conclusions on their own and helps them build confidence in their ability to make difficult decisions.
Allow Space to “Mess Up”
We are all human. We all make mistakes. One of the top contributing factors to anxiety and students feeling hopeless is the fear of failure. Sometimes, fear is so great it prevents people from taking healthy risks such as contributing to discussions, talking to unfamiliar people, saying the wrong thing when making a phone call to schedule an appointment, or facing a challenge. A student once told me her mom calls mistakes “learning opportunities.” Wise advice! As a parent, it’s hard to see our kids struggle, and we want them to be successful and feel joy. However, we must allow our kids to feel disappointed, bored, and frustrated with low-stakes problems in life so that they may learn how to cope when life gets more challenging. When we “fix” problems for them, we rob them of the belief that they are capable of working through problems on their own. Becoming aware of how you respond to your own mistakes and how you react when your kids inadvertently mess up is more valuable. Responding with kindness, compassion, calmness, and blamelessness, allows them (and ourselves) the space to think about how to work through a mistake or problem, whether we process together or independently, can be one of the biggest gifts we can give them on how to handle the challenges they will face in adulthood.
Natalie Freeburn is a high school Family and Consumer Science, Mindfulness, and Careers in Education teacher in Saline, MI. She can be reached at freeburn@salineschools.org
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Conscious Parenting: Dealing with Disappointment Mindfully
Parenting is challenging. Being a parent during a pandemic is even more difficult. How can we help our children cope with the disappointments that come their way while dealing with our own? Over the last year, Covid shutdowns have canceled many activities that our children enjoy—birthday parties, school, soccer games—even visits with grandma and grandpa. Some older children have missed milestone moments like getting a driving license, going to prom, or attending a graduation ceremony. Losing these precious times, as well as contact with friends, teachers, and other special people, has been hard on us as adults, but even more devastating to our children. How can we help our children respond to these many cancellations?
Conscious Parenting: Focus on Connection
Parents are under a high degree of stress right now. Racism and its effects, a pandemic, an election year, environmental disasters—all are our backdrop as we surf waves of work and kids’ schooling. Now more than ever, it’s essential to bring ourselves—and our parenting—back to the basics.
Book Review: Being at Your BEST When Your Kids Are at Their Worst By Kim John Payne, M.ED.
Have you ever felt the “red mist” (of frustration) rise in you regarding something one of your children said or did? Did it soon follow with saying or doing something you later regretted? Author Kim John Payne understands this experience from the perspective of a parent, but also as a child that witnessed such behavior.
What Should We Ask Of Our Ten-Year-Olds?
It’s no secret that it’s a challenging full-time job to raise our children to be capable, contributing adults, especially during a pandemic. Yet, we don’t want to miss that critical middle ground to develop our children’s life skills—the window between the delight of infants starting to walk and the anxiety of teens starting to drive. Since we all have much more time at home with our kids right now, it’s a good time to practice these practical skills. When my own kids started to launch into their adult lives, it was suddenly and starkly apparent that the base of any competency had started years ago.
Now or Later? The Daily Dilemma of Childhood and Beyond
For children, as with adults, life is a series of choices. Do I clean my room now or keep playing this fun video game? Do I eat this chocolate cake now or keep working on losing those 10 pounds? Finding a balance between enjoying your now self and investing in your future self can be a constant challenge.
How to Smooth Out a Bumpy Back to School Experience
Oh, boy, it’s that time of year again. Many of us parents and guardians have been working through our checklists, buying new shoes for our kids (who’ve been barefoot or in sandals all summer), and picking out fall clothes for kids who’ve sprouted since June. We’re smoothing the path as much as we’re able, sometimes stopping by the school beforehand for trial runs, figuring out the bus schedule and aftercare, or maybe counting down the days until school starts again.
Hikes and Tykes — Tree City Babywearing
If you’re from Ann Arbor or Ypsilanti, babywearing is delightfully ubiquitous, and so I’ll assume you’re on board with the idea of combining backpacks and babies. Come along on a fantastic hike around our babywearing culture in this mecca for babywearing folks and activities. Babywearing, or carrying babies in slings on your body instead of in strollers, has had a resurgence in popularity in the last decade, as attachment parenting has gone mainstream. According to Allison Valerio of Ann Arbor Babywearers, which meets in Ypsilanti, the last four years in particular has seen an explosion of new babywearing gear on the market, aimed at parents looking for more choices for baby gear even up into toddler-sized baby slings.
Reflections on the Power of Music as Support and Healing for Teenagers
Last spring I heard Aaron Dworkin, violinist and former Dean of the U-M School of Music, Theater & Dance, speak at a leadership workshop at Zingerman’s Roadhouse. He expressed the best part of playing in a group/ensemble as a child was that he felt like he was ‘included’ for the first time in his life. Prior to this, he didn’t know anyone else like him and he lacked a sense of ‘belonging.’ He inspired me to investigate further. I wanted to hear from Ann Arbor students and teachers about their experience playing music in collaboration with others and what it means to them.
Parenting in the Age of Legal Cannabis — Telling Your Children the Truth Gives Them Freedom, Not Permission
Dori Edwards of Blue Sage Health is the co-founder of the Ann Arbor Medical Cannabis Guild, which promotes standards for cultivating holistic Cannabis alongside professionalism and integrity in cannabusinesses. After decades of prohibition, parents are now in a strange place. In the CW Journal Conscious Parenting column, Edwards asks, "So what can you tell your teenager that is more nuanced and appropriate in the age of legal Cannabis? As parents, we should stay focused on what we genuinely know, and not let fear get the better of us."
