By Catherine Carlson
Have you ever felt the “red mist” (of frustration) rise in you regarding something one of your children said or did? Did it soon follow with saying or doing something you later regretted? Author Kim John Payne understands this experience from the perspective of a parent, but also as a child that witnessed such behavior.
Growing up, Payne’s mother suffered from health issues, and he was the victim of many an angry outburst from her. Sometimes she hit him with a belt, which was deeply hurtful, but not uncommon in the culture. Once he became a parent himself, he was surprised how easily he became frustrated and how quickly it escalated into anger. Reflecting back on his own upbringing he sought answers.
Payne is a bestselling author with a background in school and family counseling and consulting. He is the founding director of the Simplicity Parenting Institute and the Center for Social Sustainability. Being at Your BEST When Your Kids Are at Their Worst: Practical Compassion in Parenting is Payne’s guidebook on how to be a parent with less regrets and a better connection with your kids. The book is an easy read structured into three parts: The Problem, The Key, and the Transformation.
“If your children are going to be at their best, they need to be okay with taking appropriate risks and accepting failure as a possibility.”
There are many reasons why parents struggle to not “lose it” with their kids. Some have a natural tendency, and some are the opposite—avoiding conflict completely. Looking at how your parents behaved toward you and your siblings is a natural place to begin. Payne addresses patterns and derailments that contribute to parenting challenges. One interesting piece was a chronicle of parenting behaviors through the decades dating back to the 1930s. Ninety years ago, “discipline wasn’t really an issue. Immediate survival and ‘just getting through’ were much more pressing.” Actual parenting “styles” didn’t come about until the quality of life improved and work was less a family affair. He discusses the things that push our buttons, including the resentment that builds when, as parents, we do so much without so much as a “thank you,” and how you can change that. He covers things that challenge us: screens, activities, and keeping up with peers.
The core teaching of the book is the Compassionate Response Practice. The Practice is a type of guided visualization. It was born out of Payne’s experience using visualization as a young elite athlete and is structured in two phases. The first is a four-step process of extreme self-awareness viewed from two states of being. The first is what Kim refers to as Flow, when you are feeling strong and centered. The second state is when we operate out of what he calls Fever, when tensions are at their highest. Payne’s work often draws on the teachings of Rudolf Steiner, and this fourfold concept is not new.
Read related article: Book Reviews, Fall 2020
The second phase of the Practice is where the magic happens, and it involves four visual stages : Radiate, Integrate, Unify, and Closing. This phase ultimately integrates the flow and the fever together. He uses the metaphor of a sick child when wondering how to handle your own unwanted emotions—hold them close, just like you would your child. I admit I was a bit skeptical when I tested the Practice out for myself, but I was surprised at the simplicity and effectiveness of it, and that it didn’t feel like a chore. It would seem that Payne has developed something unique and helpful, and if I did make it a regular practice, then it could definitely improve my own parenting and other relationships.
Once you understand the two phases of the Compassionate Response Practice for yourself, there is a really wonderful chapter devoted to using the Practice for a child in need. The child could be your own, who may be having a hard time, or any child you know. This seems like an amazing tool that would have an exponential impact. Payne notes that some faculties and care teams use this form of The Compassionate Response Practice weekly: “Each person quietly chooses a student or client he or she will carry (placing that person in the visualization). The group need not choose the same child… By doing this, many children are held in this very special way each week.” This is similar to praying for someone, only more purposeful.
Lastly, the book reveals the gifts that come once you integrate the Compassionate Response Practice. Payne says this is one way he has found to be less afraid of messing up as a parent. Remember that you are the role model. “If your children are going to be at their best, they need to be okay with taking appropriate risks and accepting failure as a possibility.” At the same time, when a parent is angry, this is the point at which the child is vulnerable, and they are watching to see what the parent does next. If the parent can regulate their own nervous system, the child will naturally do the same.
The book is filled with amazing stories of parents struggling and succeeding. As a counselor, Payne saw one father, a perpetrator of domestic abuse, experience a big shift one day when his daughter refused to get in the car. “I knew, and she knew, that we were headed into really dangerous territory. And then it happened. It’s hard to describe how good it felt, but I was able to speak to my child knowing that it was me she was hearing and not something from my messed-up past.” All it really takes to learn the Compassionate Response Practice is giving yourself some time and some space away from your family. Although the focus is on children, this technique can also be applied to many other relationships.
A few years ago, I was fortunate to see Kim John Payne speak to a group of parents and educators. He was funny and engaging. He seems to have a gift for filtering all the advice parents have been given and funneling it down to a simple and lighthearted approach to problem-solving with kids, no matter their age.
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