Conscious Parenting: Navigating Negative Thought Flow

By Trish Maley

“I don’t really like myself,” my teen blurted out in the middle of a seemingly mundane conversation we were having last week. 

He tightened his lips to hold back emotion.

I paused, as I noticed my jaws clench.

Surprised by what he declared, I felt my eyes stinging as salty tears began to trickle into my eyes. 

My heart felt heavy, longing to simply scoop him up into my lap like I did when he was young, soothing him with kisses on his soft forehead.

My son abruptly left the kitchen and went into his own room, shutting the door. At first, I felt as though I waited too long to respond, but I gave him some space, then joined him. 

I found him curled up in his bed.

I sat on his bed with him, resting my hand on his leg. As we unpacked the comment he made, I realized he was getting caught up in thoughts. Most importantly, listening to his inner critic and allowing it to lead him. 

I shared that all of us, including adults, have these thoughts of not enough: not good enough, not smart enough, not attractive enough, the list goes on.

I praised him for noticing the negative, inner voice as that is the first step of navigating a harsh inner critic. The second step is to interrupt the negative thought flow.

I explained to my son that there were different ways to do this, and it was best to experiment with different strategies to see what works.

One strategy to interrupt negative thought flow is to question it. 

For example, is the thought true?

“Is it true that my friend is not texting me back because they are upset with me?"

Another question when you catch yourself spinning in negative thought, is to ask, “is this thought serving me?”

Is it serving me to compare myself to a group of kids at school?

In one of my mindfulness meditation classes, Jack Kornfield shared a story about his teacher Ajahn Chah.He said a small group of them were walking in the countryside with Ajahn Chah. Chah asked, "See that big boulder over there in the field? Is it heavy?" The group replied, “yes.”

"Not if you don't pick it up,” said Ajahn Chah.

This story reminded me that at times thoughts can feel so heavy, questioning them isn’t enough to interrupt them.

I decided to try a physical strategy with my son.

I took him outside by our wood pile where we have a few cinder blocks. I asked him to think of the most predominate negative thought he had. When he had it, I asked him to pick up the cinder block.

“Do you feel how heavy it is?” I asked him.

He smiled and nodded yes.

I told him to walk around with it.

“Do you feel how limited you are in what you can do when you are holding the cinder block? You can’t use both of your hands to complete a task, you cannot run as fast, right?”

My son agreed.

I shared that it’s normal to pick up thoughts that do not serve us or perpetuate limiting beliefs about ourselves. But none of us must carry them.

“The cinder block is the negative thought; how do you want to get rid of it?” I asked.

I thought he was going to set it down, but he actually threw it as far as he could. He then ran after it, picked it up and threw it again. It shattered into pieces. 

The smile on his face as he walked toward me, free of the cinder block, was heartwarming.

I asked him to put his hand on his heart, to feel it beating, and take a few slow, deep breaths. 

I find this is a quick way to get kids (and adults) embodied and help them breathe slowly in and out.

Pairing embodiment and deep breathing together is a great way to bring regulation to a person’s nervous system.

To recap, this is the mindful concoction my son used to release a flow of debilitating, negative thoughts:

• Question the thought

• A physical strategy

• Embodiment 

• Deep breathing

Thoughts can serve us in amazing ways, but they can also constrict us. The simple act of noticing or having awareness of negative thoughts coming in, and then inserting a strategy, such as questioning it, can start the process of freeing ourselves from our thoughts in any circumstance.

Trish Maley is a graduate of University of California’s Greater Good Science Center as a Mindfulness Meditation Teacher. Maley facilities group and private meditation counseling for adults and children. She also works with middle school and high school athletes to improve focus and emotional regulation. Her business, Embracing Stillness, is on TikTok and their handle on Instagram is Embracingstillnesswithjoy. To contact Maley email twmaley@gmail.com.

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