By Sibel Ozer
Rarely is it good to run, but we are wiser, more present, more mature, more understanding and more thoroughly human when we realize we can never flee from the need to run away
David Whyte
An interesting thing happened to me when I returned from a long awaited and wonderful summer vacation back home. I didn’t even recognize what was going on until after some time passed and I noticed I wasn’t quite myself, I needed more time than usual to adjust to my everyday life; it was as if I wasn’t all here.
It seemed different then my previous trips where I expect the readjustment to be awhile. Typically my body takes a few days to get used to the food and the time difference, my language center has to make the full switch from Turkish to English, and as this was a vacation, my psyche has to make the change from relaxation back to work mode. Even though there is no place like home, I love our life here in Ann Arbor married to my best friend, with my children close by (at least for a few more years), my cat, my labyrinth in the backyard of this house that carries so many wonderful memories, my beautiful downtown office, my clients, my friends, and community. I have no desire to return to my country of origin and have many nexts that I look forward to right here.
I also hadn’t thought a part of my psyche could stay behind as I am a 50 year old therapist with a regular mindfulness practice who does ongoing inner work. I used to think of this as a mental health phenomenon that is part of surviving trauma. So what I experienced wasn’t a typical case of dissociation where the psyche separates from an unbearable situation to survive it. What I am talking about has less to do with survival, and more to do with deep heart connections the psyche wants to hold on to despite physical separation.
Our psyche comprises of many parts and sometimes these parts can have a mind of their own. Modern life has a pace that is often speedier than the psyche is comfortable with, and this can create problems if we do not offer the psyche the time it needs to come to terms with reality. The needs of the deeper psyche will override the demands we put on it, and force us to adjust. It is up to us to make the adjustment the easy or the hard way.
Trauma clients will often report that life seems to be moving past them in a way they are unable to keep up with it. Grief can have a similar effect where the mourner desires time to stop so they can mourn at their own speed as opposed to moving on the way people around them may want to. When parts of us decide to stay behind it is as if that part is a toddler throwing a temper tantrum of sorts, or a pouting teenager refusing to leave the place/person/time they are attached to.
In my case, I didn’t want to let go of a sense of belonging that has a lovely flavor and texture to it that I can’t seem to find anywhere else. For someone else it might be related to not wanting to let go of an emotional connection to a lost loved one. Or a heart connection to a way of life that allowed the expression of a unique part of one’s psyche such as transitioning back to ordinary/routine life after an experience where one felt fully alive and connected. I’ve had a couple of clients who had maintained an energetic connection to their unborn children they lost for different reasons, and we realized that this connection had to be reworked and adjusted to the present reality so that it didn’t interfere with a healthy adaptation to everyday life. In Gestalt therapy we talk about unfinished business referring to all manner of things left incomplete. In a sense this is a type of unfinished attachment, in that the detachment phase is not complete.
What I’ve come to realize is that this phenomenon is more common then I knew, and therefore requires better comprehension. Sometimes the why of things isn’t key to going about the business of making positive change. Other times, it helps to know what the cause of a discombobulated state is, so that we can make the needed adjustments.
Once it was clear to me that I was nurturing an active connection with a place I love through leaving a part of me behind, I was able to start the work of coaxing that part back. It is simply no good to not be fully intact psychologically.
It is often very difficult to notice when this happens to any one of us at first, and my biggest realization was that it can happen to any one of us quite easily. In contrast, it is often very clear when whatever part was left behind is coaxed back to where it belongs. One immediately feels more grounded, present, clear minded, and energized. One no longer feels lost, tired, maladjusted, discombobulated, out of balance, out of sorts.
We are psychological and energetic beings with bodies. However invisible they remain, we create heart connections to people, animals, plants and places that are as real as anything the eye can see, and that has the power to influence our overall well being. Even though it is not visible to the eye, parts of our psyche can be sprinkled along places we no longer inhabit for good or bad reasons. Psychological wellbeing requires all parts of the psyche to be anchored at the home-body.
As for the what to do to get our parts back, one can always seek out a counselor’s help to hold the time and space to enable reunification. Or once awareness of the situation is there, one can set out on the work of coaxing the part back through internal dialogue with oneself.
In my case it wouldn’t have been possible to convince that part that life here was better then back home as there is no place like home. No less than full honesty is required for anyone to let go of something that they love. The truth of the matter is that it is not good for a part to be without us as much it is not good for us to have to do without it. I kept on bringing this reality to the awareness of the part that stayed behind. I added promises of different adventures to be had where I was, as well as promises to revisit home as soon as possible for some extra incentive.
During that period where I was of balance I recognized a tendency to think of my summer experiences as better then my current reality. I was romanticizing all that came before and was evaluating the presence through a lens that focused on what was missing. I was able to stop this tendency by bringing awareness to it. Awareness creates choice, so every time I noticed this tendency, I would intentionally adjust it.
When I listened to Turkish music it filled my heart with longing. Once I was able to coax the part that stayed behind to return, I was able to remember my lovely vacation all the while I could be fully connected to the awesomeness of the changing leaves around me. My psyche was once again able to hold the gray areas of both realities simultaneously. When I listen to Turkish music now, it still reminds me of certain wonderful moments, but I am able to savor the words and melodies from the present moment, connected to all the parts that are housed within an intact psyche.
Since I realized this is a rather common occurrence, I will be on the lookout for it happening again, as opposed to expecting myself never to be caught of guard. Parts of us deciding to stay behind might happen less frequently than our thoughts straying our attention to the past or the future (which happens many times within the hour), but more frequently then the clinical phenomenon of dissociation. When you find yourself feeling particularly lonely, this can be a sign that a part of your psyche has decided to stay behind. It is not cause for alarm, and is still best addressed.
It is also important to remember that there will always be numerous reasons that cause us to feel out of sorts including the weather, so we must be aware of Maslow’s law of the hammer which is a cognitive bias that involves an over-reliance on a familiar tool. I’ve found it helpful to become aware of the dynamic of our parts staying behind, since it affords me the possibility to correct a related imbalance by addressing it. For us women it is no different then trying to be aware of our hormonal cycles.
Have you noticed when a part of yours has decided to stay behind?
Sibel Ozer is a licensed professional counselor and board-certified art therapist currently doing private practice in downtown Ann Arbor. She started her career as a clinical psychologist working with earthquake survivors in Turkey. She continued her work in the United States in hospice, hospital, and private practice settings further specializing in grief, loss, and trauma. She is a certified EMDR practitioner and a graduate of the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland. She gives experiential workshops nationally and in her country of origin (Turkey) on different art therapy topics. Visit www.sibelozer.com, call (303) 905-1109, or email fireflyarttherapy@gmail.com.
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