By Christine MacIntyre

He touches on what estrangement looks like, how it might happen, coping strategies, and helpful information on reconciliation and healing. Gentle and sympathetic to both concerned parties, he offers professional and factual, evidence-based material for the reader wishing to dig deeper into the topic of estrangement.

Through compassionate verbiage and thorough explanations, Dr. Coleman provides insights deeper than the typical one-sided story commonly told on this topic. Estrangement is a seemingly complex phenomenon in terms of the underpinnings and emotional turmoil it causes. As a result, the issue may feel intimidating to some, especially those living through it. However, Dr. Coleman’s well-thought-out narrative gives readers a sense of reassurance—they are not alone, it is not necessarily a lost cause, and help is available.

The introduction hits the nail on the head—that estrangement is not commonly discussed with anyone, including family, friends, or coworkers, for fear of being judged. Dr. Coleman ensures readers throughout the introduction and the entire book that estrangement doesn’t always equate to bad parents, bad people, or worst-case scenarios. However, he doesn’t discount it as something minute; instead, he says dealing with it is “no small task” and even dubs it “the most painful experience” he’s ever been through in his own life.

Interspersing his book with both his own experience and clinical experience, as well as enriching it with the voices of parents with whom he’s worked, Dr. Coleman starts by making no assumptions about either parties’ innocence or guilt. While the book is seemingly intended for parents or grandparents suffering from a lost relationship with an adult child or grandchild, adult children also have something to gain. The painful and confusing topics discussed throughout the pages are eye-opening for anyone who reads them and shines a light on new perspectives to consider.

From chapter one, Dr. Coleman maintains a realistic outlook for readers. A commonly asked question is, “Can I save the relationship…?” Case studies provide examples of real adult children and parents struggling with estrangement and explain how Dr. Coleman tried to assist them in reconciliation. Demonstrating his compassion and eagerness to help others, he evaluates the situation to gain an intelligible understanding of the parties involved, including their personalities, strengths, vulnerabilities, level of insight, sensitivity, and self-reflection. Additionally, he looks at generational traps and unhealthy patterns, determining how these shaped or negatively impacted the parent-child relationship and how they might influence reconciliation. The examples show readers that a parent’s responses to professional recommendations, especially those involving “[empathizing] with the child’s complaints or perceptions, however at odds these are with their own,” may be crucial. The case studies show that “the chance for a reconciliation hinged on the parent’s capacity to dig deep, empathize, and make amends for the ways that their child had felt neglected, hurt, or abused.” Dr. Coleman then provides the tools needed to transform these problematic dynamics by teaching parents a new language and the requirements of parents and adult children to have a close relationship.

Dr. Coleman unearths some of the reasons for unsuccessful reconciliation, looking at various factors that inhibit success and how “estrangements reflect a broader cultural transformation” compared to several decades ago. The bulk of the chapters provides insights into the underpinnings of estrangement, including abuse, mental illness, divorce, differing opinions, and differences in values and personalities. He posits that “what is diagnosable, pathological, and traumatizing now encompasses so much of what should be considered normal, expectable parenting.” Dr. Coleman adequately explains how this expansion of grievances under the umbrella of mental disorders seemingly creates a problem for estrangement—both the prevalence and its outcomes. Family turmoil isn’t a new concept; however, readers understand how it has changed and how the changes lead to an increased risk of estrangement.

Select chapters are dedicated to topics such as divorce, mental illness, and addiction and how these might play a role in the likelihood of estrangement and the potential for reconciliation. Looking at each factor with a magnifying glass, Dr. Coleman explains how these influence the terrain of estrangement. While these can feel like hopeless, impossible situations, his suggestions for ways of responding calmly, effectively, and fearlessly offer encouragement to propel forward.

The contents of Rules of Estrangement illuminate the layers of emotional distress inherent to estrangement ranging from guilt, shame, and grief, to resentment. Cases are presented for modalities such as psychotherapy, offering lifelines for those who may need it most. The book continuously ensures readers that there is hope, even if reconciliation doesn’t occur. Dr. Coleman maintains an optimistic tone throughout the text, without disregarding the possibility that pitfalls may be unavoidable. Through this tone, his work provides readers with hope, but not to the point of false promises.

Dr. Coleman provides comprehensive strategies that make the process seem less hopeless. Readers will realize the importance of getting to the heart of the problem, identifying triggers and underlying issues, and learning how to respond in the face of obstacles. The detail in each chapter, including those explicitly dedicated to flashpoints such as personality clashes, politics, religion, in-laws, and sibling dynamics, is the perfect amount to avoid feeling overwhelmed with information.

Dr. Coleman leaves no stone unturned with a chapter designated to abandoned grandparents and the weaponizing of grandchildren. Thousands of grandparent and grandchild relationships experience a cutting of ties. Dr. Coleman informs readers that it can sometimes result from a grandparent’s problematic behavior; however, leaning on his clinical experience, he finds “it more typically stems from a conflict between the parent and the adult child or the adult child’s spouse.” This chapter’s inclusion is significant, as it seems essential to understanding how estrangement aggravates more than just the parent and child. Examining estranged grandparents and the double burden it places on them allows readers to understand each part of the intricate web of estrangement. Similarly, estrangement has the potential to uproot marriages and romantic relationships, as well. Dr. Coleman describes this potential and provides practical information for coping strategies, finding a new normal, and settling into a life with healthy boundaries.

In conclusion, Rules of Estrangement holds valuable information revolving around the topic of estrangement. Dr. Coleman provides easy-to-follow explanations to help readers understand what it is, why it occurs, potential causes, and how to move forward. By acknowledging common myths about estrangement and giving merit to the perspectives of both adult children and their parents, the book feels like a complete guidebook or roadmap. Whether or not it results in reconciliation, the future sounds more manageable and optimistic after this read.

Suzanne Simard, Finding the Mother Tree’s author, takes readers on a journey through the course of Simard’s life. She interlaces the pages with experiences from her personal and professional life, one gracefully intertwining with the other.

An in-depth exploration of the natural world keeps readers engaged as they devour the pages in search of the next bit of wisdom Simard imparts. A quote by American marine biologist Rachel Carson, situated on the first few pages before the table of contents, sums it up perfectly: “But man is a part of nature, and his war against nature is inevitably a war against himself.”

Throughout the chapters, Simard weaves a clear image for readers, vividly detailing the connections between humans and nature, nature and humans. Born and raised in British Columbia, her love of forestry shines through the narrative, which captures her connection to the forest and how that connection helped shape many aspects of her life. Readers follow alongside her as she ventures into the woods and dares to question that which she believes is wrong, challenging the conventional ways of forestry, work life, and feminism.

The introduction—which readers should not skip—helps establish a sense of connection, as its name suggests. Speaking on generational patterns of “cutting down forests” and, in turn, the spiral of life and death, Simard gives readers a peek into what sparked her curiosity about the forest. “Working to solve the mysteries of what made the forests tick, and how they are linked to the earth and fire and water, made me a scientist,” she states.

Simard’s memories demonstrate how she connects nature, human life, and her mission to piece together the puzzle of healing the natural world. Her remarkable discoveries in nature and herself resulted from her curiosity and determination to learn. However, she acknowledges that what she grew up understanding was vastly different than what she came to know. From the realization of “vast landscapes cleared of trees, soils stripped of nature’s complexity, a persistent harshness of elements, communities devoid of old trees leaving the young ones vulnerable, and an industrial order that felt hugely, terribly misguided,” a deep concern was born.

This concern took root within Simard and spoke to her soul, prompting her to learn about the trees’ “perceptiveness and responsiveness, connections and conversations.” What was once her childhood home, Western Canada, grew into something much bigger and extraordinary—a personal transcendence in which she furnished her understanding and appreciation of the forest’s intelligence and how to heal her relationship with nature.

Throughout her journey, Simard reveals factual elements (such as scientific names of certain trees and fungi) and sheds light on the social nature of the forest and how it spurs evolution. One of the most shocking elements of her findings is the existence of a cryptic underground fungal network “pervasive through the entire forest floor, connecting all the trees in a constellation of tree hubs and fungal links.” She maps out how these connections have similarities with the human brain—old and young showing traits such as perception, communication, and responsiveness to one another. The way older trees identify their kin and nurture the young with food and water—like human adults nurturing their young—led to Simard’s discovery of Mother Trees. She identifies these as “the majestic hubs at the center of forest communication, protection, and sentience,” stating that once they pass on, they pass their wisdom on to their kin, enabling them to adapt and survive in the landscape in which they live.

The introduction is a solid foundation for the rest of the book. Simard developed a framework through it—an understanding of who, what, where, when, why, and even how. Each chapter expands on the next, answering the question, how can the forest save us?

Relying heavily on scientific evidence through observations, extensive research, experiments, and studies, Simard becomes a forest detective and sleuth. Her creative explanations teach readers both simple and complex forest knowledge. For example, how do you determine a tree’s age? Many people know that the tree’s rings, when cut, will show its age; however, perhaps not as many know that thicker rings indicate years when there was ample rainfall. Thinner, almost invisible rings indicate a cooler summer, drought, or other stressors.

Revealing a much deeper aspect of trees, Simard uses easy-to-follow language to describe the complex, scientific processes happening below the soil within the forests’ roots. A recurring question she aims to resolve throughout the book is “what roots and fungi had to do with the health of forests—the harmony of things large and small, including concealed and overlooked elements.” While the forest logistics she describes are intricate and complex, the way she conveys the knowledge to readers is neither mundane nor overly-scientific for the average person.

Interspersed throughout her explanations are beautiful photographs of various elements in nature as well as some of herself and colleagues, family members, and friends. Some of these photos, such as the closeup of a pancake mushroom, or Suillus lakei, the detailed photo of ectomycorrhizal root tips with abundant emanating fungal hyphae, or the several photos revealing a plumage of emerald that resulted from the neural network beneath the soil, provide readers with a glimpse into aspects of nature they may ordinarily overlook.

Moving through each phase of her life, the chapters of Simard’s memoir reveal her progression in her findings about the forest and her personal life. Readers are given context for the ways in which her personal life and work-life developed seemingly parallel to the other. In many contexts, her work life development uncovered truths applicable to memoir age development. Her narrative unfolded, as well as answers in her work life, such as how fungal systems help maintain and even promote tree health. She refers to herself as “different from the women of the town and the girls on the pinup calendar by the drafting tables [at work].” Yet, she exhibits confidence and a sense of purpose, despite opposition and resistance, health issues, family grievances, failed experiments, and flawed policies.

She forged relationships both at work and home, finding herself a meaningful landing place in both arenas, just as the mycorrhizal networks found on root tips do in the forest. Yet, as with everything, she finds herself navigating obstacles, such as a divorce, the woes common to women in a male-dominated workplace, and, eventually, a cancer diagnosis. However, Simard stays true to her heart, following nature’s guidance and seeking solace in and through the forest.

Based on her conviction that is working with rather than against nature, through maintaining its diversity as opposed to clear-cutting large areas or entire forests, Simard reveals the myriad synergistic benefits to every living thing and being. These include higher productivity, more wood, cleaner air, cleaner water, more homes for wildlife, and healthier forests.

Simard’s work as a leading forest ecologist and as the author of Finding the Mother Tree exemplifies how passion, determination, and wisdom can unlock new points of view, reveal new factual discoveries, and prompt positive change. The text not only inspires readers to do better and be better, both to the Earth and to each other, but also promises to change our perceptions of the forest and how some of nature’s mysteries hold clues to our own life stories.

Through documentation of revelations in her career and personal journey, Simard successfully presents a masterpiece filled with stories about love, heartache, loneliness, determination, longing, obstacles, and the need to discover truths. Not unlike many of her readers, her life is not void of challenges and barriers. However, she inspires readers to reach deeper, seek answers, embrace curiosity, and figure out how nature’s intelligence might save us, to guide aspects in our own lives—in parenthood, community, growth, perseverance, adaptability, and resilience.