It’s only mid-March and I’ve already noticed a shift in my outlook that has influenced how 2020 is going for me. I’m not sure what started it: An invitation by my art teacher Flora Aube to ditch typical new year resolutions in favor of self –love? An artwork with a message to replace acceptance with the ongoing efforts to become a better version of myself? Or simply, turning 50? The recognition of having lived half a century leads one to contemplate certain things. One recognizes that the time ahead is likely shorter then what is behind. One’s body let’s one know that there are adaptations to be made -that it is no longer about improving and building, but more about preventing rapid decline. As the preciousness of time sinks in, priorities get reevaluated. I’m finding myself favoring relaxation instead of pushing through, being more compassionate and loving toward myself, then critical.
There is undoubtedly a developmental aspect to self -love. Healthy youngsters typically are quite fond of themselves until they encounter some serious shortcomings that accompany reprimands or shaming, and by the time we reach adolescence few remain unscathed from a version of “not enough” or “too-much” ness. These are years of self-doubt and insecurities, of comparing ourselves to others, wanting to fit in with whatever is most favored at the time. Even though generalizing certainly has its limits, I don’t know many teens who are truly deeply fond of themselves.
Young adulthood often comes with needing to establish oneself professionally, find partnership that ideally will last a lifetime, and whether or not one has children, often involves a lot of doing-doing, giving, working -toward the car, the house, the possessions that’ll assure one of one’s self worth.
It’s reasonable to think we start living with a significant amount of self-doubt (which can include many moments of self-hate, self-disgust, lack of self-worth, self-esteem and/or self-confidence), then begin to move toward self-tolerance, and then, if we have been doing some internal work (therapy, meditation, yoga, knitting, gardening, or whatever leads to self contemplation) arriving at self-forgiveness, acceptance, and eventually self contentment, self-like. True self-love is not impossible, but a rare-find indeed, one that often radiates out, and blesses and inspires those who encounter it.
The woman in this painting is inviting us to choose to love ourselves exactly as we are, purple skin, red hair, feathers in our hair, not afraid of the dark and reaching for the stars. Or perhaps, afraid of the dark still, and looking at the stars with longing. I say choose because I know that we can choose the attitude with which we approach things. Our minds might be filled with voices telling us all manner of critical things, but we have the possibility to dismiss them. We have been gifted the capacity of witnessing ourselves, which allows us to shine the light of awareness on the thoughts, feelings and sensations residing within our body, heart, and mind. Once we witness what is there, we can question its validity, and consider alternative narratives.
A dear client of mine showed me the “ten actual things that Love has said” to Elizabeth Gilbert, “when she was alone and afraid” for anyone who might be in need of ideas to replace criticality with self-compassion. I recommend you make yourself as comfortable as possible, perhaps lay down on your favorite couch imagining “Love” speaking to you, as you open your heart wide to receive It’s message:
1. What is that, my baby? You feel like you are failing at life? But may I ask: By whose rules? And by what deadline?
2. Please stop looking for proof that you are wrong and bad. Don’t be in such a hurry to disown yourself. And please for the love of God, stop trying to transform. Just sit here with me for a moment, and let me love you exactly as you are. And maybe get yourself a nice big glass of water. That usually helps.
3. You don’t need to show compassion or patience to the world right now. Why would I force that on you, when you don’t actually feel it? You don’t even need to be grateful right now. I love you so much, I will never ask you to do anything you can’t do. Just sit here with me, and know that you are loved, and let that be all we do right now.
4. Stop trying. Does that scare you? Do you still have trouble believing how loved you are –even when you are doing nothing, producing nothing, improving nothing, understanding nothing? Can you sit quietly with me for a moment and consider the possibilities?
5. Can you find the courage and curiosity to live one breath at a time? Can you breathe into this very moment, right now? Because “right now” is the only place I will ever be able to find you. So meet me halfway, dear one, by taking the next breath.
6. You are not crazy, or broken, sweetheart, but you do have a mind that requires consistent, tender, affectionate stewardship. Good thing you have me!
7. I see how much you fear solitude sometimes, but trust me: This is your medicine. Also, I have a secret for you: You are not alone. It’s actually not even possible.
8. If it helps, sweetheart, you can’t possibly do anything wrong. By which I mean –you can’t possibly do anything that will lose me.
9. I’m right here. I have always been right here. I will always be right here. And I’ve got nothing but time for you.
10. Don’t worry about how everyone else is doing it. There is no “everyone else”. There is only you and me. And my name is Love. And so is yours. So, let’s just sit quietly now, and know this truth together.
Consider picking the 3-4 things Love has shared with Gilbert that most resonate with you and add them to the voice that helps combat thoughts that get in the way of self-tolerance, self-like, or self-love, wherever you find yourself on the continuum at this time.
One of the reasons I love mindfulness so much is that failing at the practice is woven into it as something that is bound to happen. It is okay to not always feel good or positive, and sometimes there is good reason not to. Sometimes sadness or anger overcomes us as we witness an atrocity or think of a loved one lost. But sometimes we feel horrible about ourselves when there is every reason not to, because an inner voice that is tyrannical (and utterly untrue) has got us believing in its nonsense. These are the ones we want to question and replace with alternative, more loving, and compassionate narratives. When we have failed to see ourselves truly, all we have to do is remember to bring loving kindness to the mix.
May the rest of your 2020 be filled with less criticality and more compassion overall.
Sibel Ozer is a licensed professional counselor and board-certified art therapist currently doing private practice in downtown Ann Arbor. She started her career as a clinical psychologist working with earthquake survivors in Turkey. She continued her work in the United States in hospice, hospital, and private practice settings further specializing in grief, loss, and trauma. She is a certified EMDR practitioner and a graduate of the Gestalt Institute of Cleveland. She gives experiential workshops nationally and in her country of origin (Turkey) on different art therapy topics. Visit www.sibelozer.com, call (303) 905-1109, or email fireflyarttherapy@gmail.com.
