Welcoming the Unwelcome: Wholehearted Living in a Brokenhearted World

By Catherine Carlson

Whether you are new to Pema Chodron’s work, or you are already a fan, Welcoming The Unwelcome: Wholehearted Living in a Brokenhearted World, her first work in over seven years, is incredibly timely and sounds like a kind of mantra for 2020, or perhaps the entire decade. It seems either on a global scale, or a smaller more personal one, each and every one of us has something on our doorstep we would rather not let inside. Yet, allowing what we don’t desire to enter is precisely what we must do. As Chodron points out, it isn’t going anywhere.

Chodron is a Buddhist nun and as much a student as a teacher. She shares her wisdom for handling difficult circumstances that she has learned from her many years immersed in the Buddhist practices—from other wonderful teachers, students, friends, and her own family. She has a lively story to go with every technique for embracing what is uncomfortable.

Chodron says those of us who are drawn to this book are most likely motivated by Bodhichitta: The Awakened Heart. That is, we wish to embody the teachings in this book for our own well-being but also to help others. Bodhichitta begins by becoming free of what’s in the way of helping others and requires commitment.

Having a broken heart, as it turns out, is the ideal place to start—contrary to Western culture, which makes it seem as though we must have it all together in order to handle all that comes. According to Chodron, it is the cracks in our emotional center that help us grow stronger in our ability to manage more of what life throws at us. Much of it involves acceptance (which is not the same as liking!) and adapting to what is, using tools and practices, versus fixing and altering.

Chodron addresses what, to her, is the most challenging unwelcome aspect—the polarization we have seen in our current world. She says our concepts and fixations are what bring about “us and them” division and prevent us from fully being there for others. She relates a time of being stuck on labeling her own mother as a hypochondriac. Her mother’s friend had a completely different view of her, which ended up changing Chodron’s mind. Freeing ourselves from labels is one path to Bodhichitta.

The term “Basic Goodness” is an anchor throughout the book. One of the most touching stories is from a prisoner friend who has learned to see the basic goodness in his fellow prisoners, and by sharing his observation, we see it, too. It’s not always easy, but by trusting in the basic goodness in humanity, and in ourselves, we make society stronger and more resilient.

There is a section devoted to the unwelcome shock that comes when your entire world changes in an instant, as in a sudden event or revelation. When your bubble bursts, connecting to the feelings of meaninglessness that follows gives us wisdom. We also become familiar with emptiness, which she says, is an “experience to cultivate rather than avoid.” She also gives a simple and fascinating exercise she has cultivated to help lessen the fear of death.

When the going gets tough, we may all take refuge in things like Netflix or food, which, Chodron says, is perfectly fine sometimes. It’s cultivating the ability to go outside that comfort zone into the place of risk, which builds our resilience. She says, “As you build up your Bodhichitta muscles, your attitude about adversity changes,” and transformation slowly occurs.

Chodron’s short chapters are easy to read, well crafted, and so loaded with insight they are worthy of at least a second read. Phrases like, “How we feel about ourselves will determine the future of the world,” are deep. The core message of the book is “waking up for others—it is we who have to change.” But, “in order to wake up we have to stop struggling with reality.” Welcoming The Unwelcome: Wholehearted Living in a Brokenhearted World is the equivalent of a personal flotation device in our lives when maybe you are struggling to keep swimming, feel completely underwater, or need to jump ship. Situations in our lives might not be desirable, but tools for coping are available.

Two Pathways to Healing Trauma

Trauma sounds like a word that applies to someone that has been wounded by a war or an epic tragedy, but it applies to so many more situations. Even someone that has experienced rejection or has lost a loved one can suffer from trauma. Two new releases address trauma, its effects, and tools for recovery. The first is titled The Transformation: Discovering Wholeness and Healing After Trauma by James S. Gordon, MD, and the second is Widen the Window: Training Your Brain and Body to Thrive During Stress and Recover from Trauma by Elizabeth A. Stanley, PhD. Each text approaches trauma in a unique way and demonstrates a successful program that the author has developed. Coincidentally, both authors have degrees from Harvard and teach at Georgetown University, though neither refers to the other’s work in their respective books.

The Transformation is a book born out of Dr. Gordon’s well-known and widely used program for healing psychological trauma as the founder and executive director of The Center for Mind-Body Medicine. His work (which took root early in his career) as a psychologist and researcher at the National Institute of Health, has expanded to include people, and facilitators, all over the world. In his words, “Trauma comes, sooner or later, to all of us.” The program Gordon has developed is found in his book along with many real-world examples of transformation and healing. His program includes a series of internal processes. There is a circular process of relaxation, awareness, and expression that encompasses types of breathing, meditation, drawing, and movement. And there are visualization techniques for you to access an imaginary safe place and contact a wise guide, even during times of great stress.

Gordon gives a 5-stage process to tame triggers—those moments that “shift our fight-or-flight response into high gear.” He shares a story of a woman, long divorced, that became good friends with her ex-husband. Several days before they were going to have dinner together, he asked if he could have a few of his old books back. When he arrived and requested the books, she exploded, even though they broke up 25 years prior. Present triggers feel like past trauma, which can perpetuate behavior that seems out of context.

And then there are the external factors that help such as “trauma-healing” friends and animals. Gordon always asks his patients, “Who makes you feel better?” Those people or pets are vital to healing. There is a chapter on humor and a chapter on diet, which Dr. Gordon says is typically the least addressed component of healing trauma, though it has been shown to cause damage to the digestive tract. He says comfort foods lower stress in the short run, but increase it in the long run and offers a list of supplements for stress relief.

Other unique important tools in the book include a special type of breathing used by shamans, dialoguing with body parts, and one I found really intriguing, creating a genogram—a multi-generational diagram of your family (instructions are provided). A genogram is a very effective way to access the past by giving someone a visual of their family and the historical trauma that may have occurred. Being able to see patterns on paper of illness or conflict as well as connection gives a broader perspective of your lineage and the wisdom to understand your own personal trauma.

Later in the book, Gordon invites the reader to join either an in-person or virtual Mind-Body Skills Group, led by one of the six thousand people CMBM has trained—from Gaza to the Midwest. He shares amazing examples of what transpires in these groups, such as a woman whose genogram helps her understand why she worries so much. There she finds a tragic ending to her great-grandfather’s life that left a legacy of worried offspring. She is also encouraged to look to the genogram for someone to help her and she finds it.

Near the end of the book is a chapter called “Love, Meaning, and Purpose.” Survivors indicate these are vital to healing, and all of Gordon’s techniques lay the foundations for this. He also gives next steps and an appendix of places to find other help. This written culmination of Gordon’s career spanning 50 years is a comprehensive guide and workbook for healing trauma.

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In Widen the Window, author Elizabeth Stanley comes to her subject through her own personal experience. As an extremely driven type-A personality, Stanley was “stuck on high” for years, coping with chronic stress and trauma when she lost her eyesight. Eventually she regained her sight, the clarity to heal herself, and later developed MMFT: Mindfulness-based Mind Fitness Training, a resilience program which she has taught to military groups, civilians, and students at Georgetown University. The goal of MMFT is to “access agency” in every traumatic situation and build a supportive relationship between our thinking brain and our survival brain. By doing this we will effectively Widen the Window—referring to the window of tolerance to stress. Ideally, then a person can function better within that larger zone or window.

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Stanley’s well-researched hefty text is divided into three parts. She gives examples of stress and trauma and cites a litany of reasons why our culture is so traumatized—we wear stress like a “badge of honor.” An interesting piece of data is that our thinking brains often judge our life situations as insignificant, when our mind-body system is telling us another story. Another key point is that “if we don’t experience recovery from whatever our stress or trauma is, we eventually experience dysregulation.” These are symptoms such as insomnia, depression, addictions, chronic pain, and migraines, to name a few, that show up when our systems are no longer functioning in balance.

Next, she covers the science behind her program proving how strongly neuroscience affects our structures. “Chronic stress leads to epigenetic changes in the immune system that result in chronic inflammation in the mind-body system.” She also points out that even though they sound very different, our bodies experience both stress and trauma quite similarly.

Stanley says popular mindfulness exercises alone may backfire for people with narrow(ed) windows because it exacerbates the nervous system instead of balancing it. An example is when mindfulness exercises were used among marines. Even those that were diligent with their practice felt like they “were going to jump out of their skin” after several minutes. MMFT was designed with this in mind.

Finally, Stanley outlines the MMFT program, typically taught in an 8-week course or week-long intensive. The three parts blend (1) mindfulness skills training with (2) body-based self-regulation skills and (3) apply these to real life. The exercises seek to enhance the attention on a target while maintaining tolerance during a challenging experience. MMFT also cultivates the qualities of wisdom and courage, control and tolerance found in warrior traditions such as martial arts. Warriors in these lineages are able to “keep awareness, self-regulation, and ethical action, regardless of the situation.”

Stanley includes two of the safest Mind Fitness exercises in the appendix of the book, and expands on strategies for them that are not usually included in her classroom training. The exercises are simple, and when done regularly, desired effects can be achieved. A U.S. Army Veteran, Stanley closes with a military saying. “When the enemy is unknown, you need a bigger reserve.” Hence the need for a wider window to address what may have already occurred or what is to come, both personally and as a collective.

Both The Transformation and Widen the Window are exceptional books loaded with worthy content. Both programs have documented proven results, and we are fortunate that the authors have made their work accessible to all.

Catherine Carlson grew up in Ann Arbor and returned in 2014 to raise her family after many years living on both coasts. Her professional interests include aurasoma, astrology, and writing.