By Sheri Stankorb-Geiselman, LMSW
Parents are under a high degree of stress right now. Racism and its effects, a pandemic, an election year, environmental disasters—all are our backdrop as we surf waves of work and kids’ schooling. Now more than ever, it’s essential to bring ourselves—and our parenting—back to the basics.
Children’s brains are primed for learning when they feel safe and connected. And when they’re feeling disconnected, or a backlog of tension is keeping them stuck, they know just how to signal us for help. And oh—how we wish it could come in the form of clear, calm, direct words! A memo, perhaps, that says, “Dad, I’m really stressed—help me. Can you sit with me awhile so I can feel your presence? It would help me remember that I’m okay and will get through this.” If only! More often it’s wrapped in a package tailor-made to get our attention—and our goats—balky behavior, surliness, sibling teasing, tantrums, aggression, unreasonable demands. Sound familiar?
The beauty is that when parents understand the signals our kids send, we have an opportunity to give them what they need to get un-stuck: connection. And when connection is restored, they can once again think, finish their math, apologize to their sibling, be affectionate, do their chores—all the things that make family life flow well.
How to offer that connection? Hand in Hand Parenting is an approach that offers five simple tools for parents to build and restore connection and help things go more smoothly in families—especially during turbulent, uncertain times.
One tool—Special Time—is a pre-emptive way to fill kids’ connection cups. When full, they can cooperate, think more clearly, willingly walk the dog, or practice their cello. It’s the go-to tool for keeping family gears running well. It may look different with a toddler than a teen, but the underlying concept is the same—it’s a way to meet their need for connection and bathe their system in the message that they are deeply wanted and liked. When there’s discontent brewing or during transition times—returning to school, a move, changes in friend groups—Special Time can ease the way.
How does it work? Parents take five to 20 minutes to delight in their kid and follow their lead. No teaching, guiding, correcting, or rules. (What?!? Yep, aside from safety, now is the time to relax the rules). Your job is to set a timer, turn off your phone, remove all distractions, press pause on the eternal to-do list of your mind, put a twinkle in your eye, and bask in the wonder that is this young human at the heart of your family. Your job is also to say a hearty “Yes!” to whatever your child brings to you for those few minutes. This is one of the reasons the timer is necessary—it’s hard to be fully present for some of the things our children delight in! Yes, jumping on the bed! Yes, putting on makeup! Slime? Bring it on! It’s not the time to bring your A-game to Candyland, either. Just let your child lead and be with her every step of the way.
Sometimes parents say, “Are you kidding? I’m with my kid 24/7, and you want me to do what?!” Really, I wouldn’t recommend it if it weren’t so powerful. Do an experiment. Put a warm smile on your face, and say to your child, “Let’s do some Special Time. That means you’ve got me for the next ten minutes to do whatever you want.” Set the timer, follow their lead, and see what happens. Often children are brighter and lighter after Special Time. Or, when the timer ends, a child may wisely use it as an opportunity to offload some tension with tears. Let them flow, and simply listen. No need to talk him out of them—he’s so smart to use your attention in that way. And as a bonus, Special Time is a powerful antidote to parental guilt. You’ve completed a major item on the parenting to-do list when you’ve filled their need for connection.
Follow the Giggles
There’s nothing quite like the power of laughter to hit the reset button in a tense child—or parent, for that matter. One mom was listening to her nine-year-old son’s fears about the new school year. He was gnawing his fingernails, bit one off, and showed it to her, thoroughly grossing her out. She wanted to scold him, but remembered the connection “groove” they had built up over time: He would say or do something icky, then laugh uproariously at mom’s discomfort. So, she looked at his fingernail, and said in an exaggerated way, with a smile in her voice, “Ewwwww! Get it away from me!” He took her cue and proceeded to delight in making mom squirm. She knew this interaction—and the laughter—could lighten the weight in his emotional backpack. Sure enough, after a couple minutes of this play, he settled down and said, “I feel so much better, Mom.”
Roughhousing also gets the laughter going. Let your child best you. Dare them to tackle you, declaring yourself impossible to knock over. Give it your best, and let them take great joy in defeating you. This kind of play is gold for a child’s nervous system, breaks up tension, and brings you closer together.
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Resource Yourself
Many parents feel like they’re barely keeping their heads above water with work, school, and family all in the same space and time. Promoting connection with our kids and listening to their feelings is itself emotional work. It’s work that pays off big time and can actually free up energy in your life and family. But it is work, and parents need a way to re-fuel. Building support for yourself is essential. Hand in Hand Parenting has a tool called Listening Partnerships. It’s free, simple, and has been a game-changer for thousands around the world. You and another parent take turns listening to one another without judging, interrupting, or offering advice. It’s amazing how another person’s warm attention can ease our stress and our parenting loads.
Lovingly Lower Expectations
If ever there was a time to embrace cereal for dinner, this is it. Especially for those solo parenting, or working full-time from home while managing online learning, or both, please know that you are being tasked with the impossible. Whatever you can do is enough. Do what you can; even consider it an early gap year. All of the good standards we parents hold for homework, hygiene, screen time, manners, nutrition—all are important in guiding our children, but now is the time to pick the ones closest to our hearts, and let the rest slide. Bring your focus back to the basics—including connection. Remember, you are the most important thing your child needs, and you are enough.
Hand in Hand Parenting, based in Palo Alto, California, has been supporting parents around the world for over 30 years. To learn more about Special Time, Listening Partnerships, and more, go to handinhandparenting.org for resources (many free or low-cost) including articles, books, podcasts, videos, online courses, consultants, Parent Club, and more.
Sheri Stankorb-Geiselman, LMSW is a therapist in Ann Arbor who works with people and families throughout the life span. She can be reached at geiselmanpsychotherapy@gmail.com.
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